New Escalation in The Razor War: Reports from the Front
Matthew Mastromauro
Issue date: 10/21/05 Section: Features
|
As is the way with many things, the road to hell has been paved with good intentions. At first, razor companies sought the safety and comfort of their customers, the razor companies used the birth of razor technology to bring people out of the dark ages of grooming. Like a light into the darkness the single bladed disposable razor was a revelation to the world of grooming, far better than the common uses in those dark ages of swords or sharp pointed rocks. The one bladed razor was in fact good, yet from this womb of kindness and generosity grew the seeds of evil, hate and competition that would bring us to this dark age.
Companies began getting envious of the success of the one bladed razor, and soon one wasn't enough. Two become the new one, and sides were chosen, the two superpowers Sillette and Glhick emerged as the only two superpowers left after the maelstrom of the great war of the lubricated strip. Soon we the public found ourselves at the mercy of two frothy-faced, bleary-eyed madmen at the helms of their respective dealers of doom. The name of the game was escalation and both sides were willing to play. Soon two razors was replaced by three razors, then three razors on a red stick (RED!). Soon even the red wasn't enough and the razors began to have sentient intelligence of their own, able to buzz and vibrate. Some would even say think! Each power tried to counter the other with the next big ridiculous unnecessary evolution, and the only victim at the hands of these superpowers was the unsuspecting public, the third world pawns in their superpower battle.
Countless numbers of faces of our young male youth were destroyed by the Glhick gas powered behemoth and I can't count the number of the fairer gender who now can't walk because of the reign of the auto-shaving dog animal created by Sillette (the horror!).
Modern groups of hippies began to protest the horrors of this unyielding onslaught of technology by growing beards and leg hair. Actions against these protestors were horribly repressive, thousands of shaving ninjas, with the help of the shaving secret police used pinkerton-esque strike breaker tactics to suppress the movements, and break the groups. I am sure we all are able to remember the nights of "the shaving" it was nerve-wracking. Even popular pseudo-political rock corporation U3 had to speak out about the dangers of this shaving escalation in their song, "Sunday Bearded Sunday." How long, how long must they sing that song? How long?
Be the first to comment on this story